First there is a mountain,
Then there is no mountain,
Then there is... Donovan
Perception ➜ Realisation ➜ Convention
Mount Taranaki, New Zealand
I am a mountain – I am... solid, definable, persistent... or so a part of me imagines. Over the years since 2012 I had evolved a relatively solid? definable? persistent? monastic leadership-role and then in 2024 I passed 'it' on to another monk. In an orthodox tradition I had assumed a degree of continuity – ie. that the mountain would have enough context to remain; in some mounded, earthy, heaped up kind of way. Perhaps viewed from a different angle, seen in a different light, but essentially 'I' would continue. And this is the crux of the overarching delusion – the 'I am' – and it is the root cause of our suffering. The assumed solidity of this 'I am' is not so apparent – until... we can't find 'the mountain' or it begins to crumble, to dissolve. Our held self-perception is like a fish being asked about water... water? what? Reality... just 'is'. Similarly we take for granted the space we are in, the air that we breath. It just 'is'. And then, there is – the financial crash, the divorce, the job redundancy, the cancer diagnosis, the volcanic eruption... the air supply is cut off. And then... I am not... rich, married, employed, healthy, etc. and find myself in a vacuum – without air. It is difficult, painful, to find meaning in respect of the life that was, had been, should still be; but isn't. I find I am partly, seriously?, adrift – without a compass.
Transition is about change, and change is unrelenting. Every moment is a point of change. The majority of changes are benign enough; the end of an out-breath, the beginning of an in-breath, but some are traumatic, life threatening. The volcano eruption aside, it can often be the subtle reconfigurations over time that are so amorphous, vaguely indistinct that we don't even notice the stealthy advance of the self-erosion, the upset, the dis-ease.
In an ideal scenario there is recognition of the non-self nature of all conditions. This is the Buddhist party-line and one that I hold as true and aspire to but... there may still be a gap between theory and actuality. I surely know it, but can't always live it. The challenge we have is three-fold; the three 'R's':
The bottom line is that 'it is like this now' and... how can I adapt? How can I learn, how can I reorient my views to move on from 'the old', to incorporate and allow the new to be OK(ish)? Where are the opportunities for discussion, negotiation, agreeable compromise? Life is an ongoing bit of work-that-needs-doing and, as with any job, we need to plan, strategise and then implement.
I can look across a landscape, across the undulating terrain and there, in the distance, is *the mountain*. I see it marked on the map, I have looked at photos online, read of its grandeur. It is real! And... I am standing there/here, I look, and there it is. Me. I am... I can see myself, I am here, there does seem to be there is a tangible me, a myself.
As I traverse the landscape and get closer to the mountain the distinct silhouette and iconic mountain-shape diminishes and, as I enter the forest and begin climbing, there is no mountain. There is land, rocks, trees, glimpses of sky but – no mountain. The perception has been seen, the emptiness of 'mountain' realised. What remains is convention. There is a mountain but, no, there is no mountain – but, hey... yes there is.
I sit here and look out the window of my forest cabin (kuti) and see a heavily forested slope. I can say: 'this is the Eastern side of Stokes Valley' but, Stokes Valley is just a name to designate... what? Kusalo is just a name to designate... what? This human, male, person? And we add qualities. We induce definition. Stokes Valley is: "a region with relatively affordable housing and a historically working- and lower-middle-class population" says AI, based on the 2023 census. And, Kusalo is: "a superior and defective person with many admirable and detracting traits" says who? when? based on what? And the respective definitions are repeated so often that they become a persistent, solid reality. Stokes Valley is... 'that'. and, I am – 'that'. I acquire the various who?'s and what?s encountered over time and I internalise many of them. The kaleidoscopic of perceptions, stories, memories, etc. do have a relative validity and conventional truth but... they are a collation, a composition in this moment, forming a seemingly homogenous whole – the mountain that is me. And finding a wisdom-based balance of mountain/me view ➜ right view ➜ realisation is not so easy. We can enter into...
Communication...
– with oneself; in honest, enquiring dialogue.
– with others; and family or friends are an excellent first channel for untangling.
– with critics; the mountain-shakers, the change instigators.
The first is very much based in meditation; a calming of the mind to more clearly see the mind, the contextual nature of the mountain. We move closer to the mountain, we enter into the tangle of 'trees and valleys', the rivers of thoughts and emotion, our minds. We gradually see that there is no mountain. And the realisation is liberating.
The first and the second both require trust. Do remember that you are essentially good and working to be better and that you can trust in that. Trusting others, to allow them to enter your 'secret mountain grotto', can be challenging and far too often we keep our secrets secret. Take the risk. More often than not those close to us already have a sense of our imbalance but are too cautious or shy to presume. We need to have the courage to articulate it, share it, invite them to help. An objective view can so often see and suggest alternative paths to the summit.
The last, engaging with the critics, assumes a willingness to communicate, an empathetic, active interest in your, or in mutual well-being. If it is not there then conciliation is unlikely. Alas, the result is either grim forbearance – not healthy in the long-term – or... the divorce. And the breach with the known is another turnpike – with a toll to be paid... by both parties.
Transition is unnoticed, irrelevant when things, when the mountain, is stable and bathed in warm sunshine. Transition is slow and painful when the ground shakes and skies are dark. Either way it is omnipresent, ubiquitous and inescapable. To enter into dialogue with the flow of life is our only lifeline.
Ascend...